The short little life of my beautiful daughter Skye Marie Mottram.
07.01.2008
The day I found out I was pregnant I couldnt quite believe it.It was the happiest day of my life. A family of my own.The days went by and very slowly.
05.03.2008
Day of the first scan came and went. Seeing my baby for the first time was magical.The stupid sonographer was so mean, she was rude and kept getting in the way of the screen so I couldnt see my baby. I rember coming out crying and ringing my dad. It all became so real and I new once I got to that 12 week mark She was going to be ok (little did I know).Everything was fine, problem free pregnancy apart from the usual side effects.
24.04.2008
Second scan came along and I was so excited. We wanted to find out the gender so we would start buying baby things. They said we were doing to become proud parents of a baby girl. I was so so happy, I think Chris had the idea of a boy to be honest but after a while he was very happy.
We were so excited we immediately started to buy pink things. Chris had already chosen her name. (I said he could chose as he didnt get to bond and feel her move like I did, I didnt want to leave him out) So right then she became Skye Marie Mottram.
Again everything seemed text book apart from a few glitches, swollen hands and feet, breathlessness, aches and pains etc.
Around 28 weeks I had a massive pain (really strong), it was a continuious pain. It went on for 7 hours thoughout the night. I remember getting a bath at 4am. Then it started to ease and stop. Next day I went to hospital coz hadnt felt her move much. They cheaked her heartbeat and said I was fine. (actually one midwife said...'babies do sleep you no'!!!! Stupid mare. I was well aware of my babies sleeping patterns. I wish I could see her now and tell her shes rubbish).
Skye was a great riggler and she wasnt shy at kicking out. I loved feeling her move, when she had hiccups,when she'd wake. Water was her favourite, when I would get in the bath she would kick out when I spashed water on my belly.
The months turned into weeks and before I knew it I was packing my hospital bag. I think it was between a week or two weeks before she passed I went to see the doctor. I couldnt breath. Like actually struggling. They just gave me an inhaler snd sent me home. They didnt even check my babies heart.I have now found out that servere breathlessness is a symptom of blood clots. So it all makes sense. If only I had gone to the hospital first, demand a scan. (would they have listen to me though??)
On the 18th of August 2008 I had a little cramping, 'this is it' I told Chris, she is on her way. However I realised I hadnt felt her move for a while. So Went to hospital for a check up. Something just didnt feel right. It was midnight but I new I needed to go to the hospital.
The night before Skye was kicking (too much). It was like she was going crazy. It only lasted a minute. I now realise that was her struggling, her very last movements.
It did not register till later that evening .
When I was 37 weeks I kept telling Chris I wanted her out now. I told him she needs to come out as I know she will ok (she was very active) I was worried and I told him I had worries, I wanted her out now (not that hospital would have done anything about my concerns).
So at the hospital my nightmare came true, there was no heartbeat. It was completely heartbreaking. My baby was gone. I was in such shock, Me and Chris were completely devistated. My heart broke into pieces that day. I cant explain the feeling of overwelming loss and the pain or lossing my daughter.
I couldn't deliever her naturally, mentally I wasn't strong enough.
It took the Doctors 14 hours to give in to my request.
So on the 19th of August I went under general anistetic to Have a c-section.
Skye was born at 6:20pm and weighted 6 pounds 8 1/2 ounzes.
When I woke up I just couldnt believe this has happening to my little girl.
The pain of lossing her was all to much, they brought in a picture of her dressed in the outfit Chris had given them. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I couldnt believe it, this was my little girl.
The next day at 11am they brought her in . I was crying so much I was in pain.
I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love her.
She was perfect in everyway.
We only spent about 10 minutes with her, then the chaplin came to do the blessing.
I new if I had kept her with us any longer I wouldnt have let her go.
I didnt hold her or give her a kiss, I was not strong enough.
I will regret forever.
The results came back saying I had a 2 vessel umbilical cord (apose to 3). This caused a big placenta clot in my placenta. This should have been checked at the 20 week scan!!
Also from my notes you can see she stoped growing from 32-37 weeks. They should have sent me for a growth scan. They completely failed me and my daughter. She was my first and only child too.
28.08.08
The funeral was so so sad, the final goodbye.
We chose a song that is special to both me and my partner.
I will never forget the memory of Skyes daddy carrying her coffin down the isle.
A part of my heart went with her that day.
We had her cremated and now she is with me in my bedroom.
She has a special table and memory box for all her little things.
This has been the most devistating time of my life,
Grieving for a child is like know other, it is an ongoing journey.
I will never see her laugh, never see her cry.
I will never hold her tight and wisper I love you.
I My life was ruined that day.
I miss her so much it hurts.
The love I feel for my girl is immense.
This is for you Skye, Mummy loves you.
I miss you every minute of every day.
Forever in my heart xxxx
